Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
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Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
yeet
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.