the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
me hooking up with my ex
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
You’ll be OK
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.