‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING