[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
just left a huge legacy in there
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
No way!
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.