@rikpayne: Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby.
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@mrjohndarby: Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
@krisv_723: Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big? Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
@jerryRenek: Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.