Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Oh we’ve met.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time