@rikpayne: Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby.
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@hippieswordfish: kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!
@JermHimselfish: My girlfriend buys candles the same way I buy weed. She looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it, then lights it on fire to relax
@philEfanaddict: The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.