@rikpayne: Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@kyry5: [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
@FatherWithTwins: Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you - from your parents' perspective.