Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren