Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Ion see the issue
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f