My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*