@MumsieEsq: Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.
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@QwertyJones3: I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
@Fred_Delicious: [2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.