@MumsieEsq: Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.
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@OldFolkProblms: My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies. Then I eat them all by myself. Screw those kids.
@notshivi: The year is 2075. A student asks how World War 3 began. The teacher responds with "Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie..."
@AimeeHelene1: *hears someone breaking in* *grabs gun and walks down hallway* *cord drags* *realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt* *gets shot*
@mexinonblonde: You're a big fat liar! And I don't believe anything you say! See if I get naked for you again!! -Me to my scale as I step off of it