I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
lol
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’d hang this in my house.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened