@Cpin42: Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@iJohnKnoxville: Someone needs to open a bar called "The Gym". Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I'm always at the gym.
@MartaEffing: Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.
@desi_princess: No thanks officer. I don't even give strange men my phone number, and you're asking for my license and registration.