Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Every work meeting this week
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.