Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
hey, alexa
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS