Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.