Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The game has officially changed 😎
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
tell em, edith-anne