Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out