@OhNoSheTwitnt: Twilight and Hostess are over. It's a sad day for fat girls.
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@wtfhuman: Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.
@crunchenhancer: Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart. And, both don't like it if you pee on them. Mostly.
@cupcakelynda: Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
@Just_Lee_: The world is full of terrible people, but there's none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.