@wtfhuman: Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it? I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don't remember eating skittles.

@crunchenhancer: Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart. And, both don't like it if you pee on them. Mostly.

@cupcakelynda: Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

@Just_Lee_: The world is full of terrible people, but there's none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

@ImaFlyontheWall: Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from "The Sleeping Disease"