@buttgh0st: [following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head. I'm sleeping with the lights on.

@OhNoSheTwitnt: News: Hillary won the debate! My friends: Bernie won the debate! Trump: I won the debate! Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

@PetrickSara: "It's pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself." -my family

@click4amanda: Him: Yah, I like my meat rare Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean? Him: ...... Me: Our mom's are friends, you have to finish the date