@rkatz94: Me: I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist Bartender slides drink "Your dad's alive. He's hiding in Cuba" M: Did NOT see that coming

@Parentpains: The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.

@Storminika: Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'

@YayatiSB: My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@ArfMeasures: [Being chased by a bear in the snow] Me: Should we hide??! Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy