[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it