Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Pikachu found the lost joint
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.