@zachheltzel: Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.
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@TheMichaelRock: Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
@KenJennings: TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty.
@iluvyogacats: Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!