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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.