@zachheltzel: Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.
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@Home_Halfway: I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your "scary" battle at Normandy, grandpa.
@envydatropic: According to all these "note to self" sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
@dlockw21: *Opening presents 1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow! 2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're good at jumping to conclusions?" Me: "When can I start?"