Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Check your privilege
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
lmao
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME