Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
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Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Chemical wingman
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
sry