Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
at ease…shoulder.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I have obtained a hat
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician