Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
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The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
This will never not be funny 😭
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no