Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one