[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When someone trying to leave me
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me