Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Worth remembering.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Fiction has to make sense.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.