[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?