@StevePeers: Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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@Amusitr0n: Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife. Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
@wife_housy: Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
@HeyZeus666: I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.