Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You Might Also Like
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Chicken bread
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.