Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
💻🤡
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁