Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I am yelling
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her