Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
cat faces on other animals, a thread
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”