@WilliamAder: Twitter announced today that they've lost 134 million dollars this year. I don't know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
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@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
@dreamthievin: A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
@FuckabillyRex: I probably wouldn't know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there's a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.
@PaperWash: [grocery store] dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying [baby keeps crying] me: wow, your baby does not listen