Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My wedding will be open casket.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.