Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Teach your children to beatbox
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.