I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
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there’s probably a fee though
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Cats are still liquid.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise