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@Parentpains: Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.
@WheelTod: I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."
@VodkaThursday: Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker
@GreenScoundrel: Pro Tip: I'm not a pro. Don't listen to my tips.
@kirkdiedrich: The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I'm not allowed in Subway.