when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
it must be school picture day
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*