My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
My work here is done
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake