Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.