@Parentpains: Twitter, because my work isn't just going to ignore itself.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo: The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don't have to run very fast or very far.
@hotsoccerchic69: Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@Brianhopecomedy: Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.