If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
consequences, the bane of my existence
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean