@VictorscarletJ: Twitter birth control: airfare
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@MedikalMiracle: "Hey, long time. Wassup?" should be auto-corrected to "Dude. Can you do me a favor?"
@AkashThakan: Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
@Parkerlawyer: My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill. This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
@heyevergreen: My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars