Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”