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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“i miss shittin on people”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him