Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.