TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me doing my best
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.