TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet