Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.