Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
boat question
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no