Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
i- i did not expect this
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?