Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.