@jrsalzman: Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.
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@MarfSalvador: [Funeral] Her: [Through tears] I'm gonna need your support today Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
@VeryLonelyLuke: Being a Jedi isn't all bad. I've been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder? Women: 9:45am on Monday at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002