When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
You Might Also Like
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
i’m sure it’s fine
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming